So here we are. 1 day to go until #shemakesme. I feel nervous, I am unsure if anyone will post anything tomorrow. I will be ecstatic if anyone joins in. Its just little old me, trying to put some positive vibes out there and if it works…wicked… and if it doesn’t …well I will just do it all over again on the 14th of Feb for the #ICU campaign.
#shemakesme come about because when I met with the FiLiA group and they made me realise that I have been advocating for females for a very long time. I advocate for males of course. My case load is made up of mostly males right now, but I wanted to show some love and respect to the females on this one. I also wanted to do something for national suicide awareness day… and here we are lol.
Suicide, once upon a time, is something I thought was a selfish act. I guess what I mean by that is the person committing the act is leaving people behind that will go through enormous grief and the person committing the act would have caused that. I also thought that you had to be quite weak to get yourself so low that the only wat out was to take your life.
Now, I can’t speak or comment on what people say, do, or feel around suicide or suicidal thoughts. Not my place. I can only tell you what my views are and what I believe.
My mum had a saying and I use it often. You can’t be going mad if you think your going mad because if you were going mad you wouldn’t know or care. This saying as stuck with me for years.
My mum suffered some of the worst mental health that I have seen in my 38 years. There was one point that she was so unwell that she didn’t leave the house for almost a year. Not once. And she would have, on average, 10-15 panic attacks a day. Massive ones. Ones that scared me so bad that I didn’t know what to do. I watched this woman trapped in her own mind, not living …. just wasting away. My mum’s mental health, in one form or another, had been an issue since I could remember. If my mum was her now, now I have a good understanding of mental health, I would be able to give her the love and guidance she needed. But she is not. Not death by suicide, but by Cancer. My mum did not have a good life from start to finish. She was failed and hurt by many people. In all these years I never heard hr talk openly about suicidal thoughts. My goodness she could have done it at any time the number of meds in our house, but as far as I am aware she never had these thoughts, not set in stone planned out thoughts. My mum was very religious, so I wonder sometimes if that was a reason why she never thought seriously about it.
I watched this. My mother struggle with…everything. I watched her go up and down. I watched her mental health take us to places within the home that I did not want to go. I cared for her. I was mum a lot of the time. I didn’t want to be. I felt guilty that I didn’t want to be. Then the world outside started to intrude on this already damage household. People around who should have been helping but were not. Things going on that others should have stopped but did not.
Then, when my mother was unable to, the streets started to raise me. And If I ever thought the horrors at home were shocking, I learnt about new kind of horrors on the streets. I saw, did and was subjected to things that people would pay to not to happen to them.
Then, add onto this the pressure of trying to leave that lifestyle. Because you have someone you now love and care about. A little baby that is looking for you for protection.
Then the thoughts kick in. What if I start acting like my mum. What if I start getting the mental health issues she had and then I leave my kids in the situations she did with me.
So now your worrying about mental health. About going crazy.
Throw into that being a single parent to 3 children. 3 children who you are their world. While the other adults in their life are going off the rails and crashing and burning, you are expected to stay stable and strong. Because you’re the mum.
No family around you. Both parents gone. In an area where you don’t feel happy. 3 children struggling with normal children things. And you sit on your bed and think. WOW. I have done some pretty bad stuff in my past. I have done some pretty stupid stuff in the not so distant past. I have been caring for others since 1 was 9 years of age and I don’t think I can…. I don’t think I am doing a good job. In fact, they would be better off without me. And a …voice maybe… I don’t know…starts repeating that day and night.
They would be better off without you. For weeks and weeks. Until you snap. Realise that the thought is completely right. Of course, it is. Look at you…you mess. Don’t tell anyone how your feeling because the they will think your crazy! And we don’t want that.
And then everything is a blur. Some bits are. Some bits are not. But you planned it and tried to action it. But them people who love you stopped it. Because they love you.
Sometimes…some people don’t get stopped and they do take their lives. And I would imagine that all rational thought had gone and was replaced with this self-hate that people are better off without you.
Which is not true.
But you can’t see that.
National suicide awareness day. You never know what people are going through. You may never know what is going on for them. And you must not blame yourself for that.
Tomorrow, lets reach out and show some love…just in case