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She keeps me safe…..she keeps me wild

she keeps me

Guest blog…..and just in time for #ICU

Todays blog is by a  good friend of mine. We will call her Pam. Pam has a best friend who, 3 years ago, almost to the day made a very serious suicide attempt. No warning. No Drama. Her friend just got tired of life, tired of fighting to survive, tired of the one who was always strong,  and she wanted to end it. Pam ….Pam saved her best friends life…. Because she could see that her friend’s story was not over. She just needed to rest. Pam says that her best friend keeps her wild, and as for  her best friend….her best friend knows that Pam keeps her safe.  A true life #ICU

She keeps me safe…..she keeps me wild

Sometimes things happen.  No explanation, no reason nor no way to explain.  It was one of those days.  To say she ‘ghosts’ would be an understatement.  What I know is that I would too with the demons that fly around her head at the weirdest of times.   

We generally talked to each other about once a day.  If not, it was a Whats App or message.  Usually absolutely nonsense to be honest but we have both got the wickedest sense of humor and the slightest bit of craziness we text each other to make each other’s day a bit brighter.  I had not heard much from her for a week or so.   

There had been a particular case that she had been working with that was one of the most possible horrendous disclosures she had faced she had said. 

She was now ghosting.   I got it,

I had learnt a long time ago there is no point in harassing or pressuring.   She would have none of it.  Best to leave her ‘to get on with it’ and then I would get a text or call and know that all is well. 

A random text came.  It asked if I was in that afternoon.  Very weird.  We didn’t do impromptu visits to each other.  Whilst we were close, we didn’t invade each other’s space either.  Something – I don’t know what – made me worry.  It’s that feeling deep in your belly that tells you all is not good. 

It would be madness to even think that everything in her life would ever be brilliant.  There were skeletons in the cupboard that would terrify the strongest of people.  Ghosts and memories of horrendous parts of a life that had been troubled and difficult.  Issues and incidents, I was to learn, that I struggled to listen to let alone for someone to experience.  I won’t say more than that. 

That belly feeling was bothering me so I text.  It was about an hour or so of texting and getting some fairly incoherent shit back when I then got told that she wanted to deliver something to me.  A letter.  I was later to learn the letter contained exact and precise instructions in sealed envelopes to various individuals.  Letters were placed in a room I was told I had to go to … a plan was in place.  Every part of me was shook.  Something was wrong. 

I arrived there to find someone.  It wasn’t her.  It wasn’t the fighter, the leader, the dominant and expressive, beautiful person I had grown to know, respect and love.  The person who could tell me anything (anything) about her past and present and I would not stand in judgment.   

Her hair was lank, unkempt.  She sat in her coat, with her tiny frame shadowed by the large chair.  She was sick.  Not physically unwell – though she looked so poorly.  She was monotone.  Not getting what was going on.  It was so painful to see.   

I stayed with her, having called another (so much more closer to her than me) to come.  We concluded she needed more help than we can offer.  An ambulance was called after numerous, difficult ‘phone calls to various people.  She left in that ambulance with no argument.  Head down.  

I met her at the hospital where we waited and waited and waited.  Eventually we sat in a room with the on call crisis team.  It was at that point I thought ‘she will never talk’ – she hates talking to most people let alone professionals and strangers about her.  She did.  It came out bit by bit.  So many things I didn’t know, didn’t realise.   

My wonderful and beautiful friend had broken.  The years of containing and surviving were spilled out into that room.  

That amazing and respected friend had been failed so many times … to be continued

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