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#shemakesme 10th September 2019

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The 10th of September is world suicide prevention day.

Suicide and suicidal thoughts are something that has been part of my life from…. birth, I guess. It is something that has affected my family, my friends, the children, young people, and families that I work with.

It took me many years to fully understand how suicide effects everyone involved. The impact on the people left behind. The feeling leading up to wanting to take your own life.

I said in last years blog, that growing up I thought suicide was a selfish act. Something that only cowards do. However, I discovered that life is not that black and white.

Suicide and suicidal thoughts are one of those taboo subjects that people avoid. It’s a very British thing to ask people how they are doing when you see them, however, as my son pointed out to me, anything other than “Yes I’m fine” usually means that something is going on for that person. If you asked someone “Hi, how are you” and they replied “Actually, I have been googling ways to end my life without causing too much trauma to those who find me” …how would you react?

Death scares some people. People that think about killing themselves scares some people.

I have only been in that dark place once personally. I have seen many of my people in that dark place but for me…. just once. I find it hard to talk about for many reasons. But what I want to tell you is this.

I had no idea that I was unwell.

When I was planning to take my life it all seemed very rational and the right thing to do. I felt sad and overwhelmed with sadness that I would be leaving my children behind, but the part of ending it. The thought of not having to pretend anymore. That felt like a relief. I won’t go into details, not because I am scared or embarrassed of think it is taboo. I won’t go into detail out of respect for the people that witnessed me in that state. The way I watched it affect my family …that is something I may never fully forgive myself for.

Leading up to it, I can’t tell you really what happened as it was an accumulation of things. But I remember that all of a sudden everything felt like hard work. Everything felt rubbish. Nothing made me feel happy. I remember fake laughing whilst sitting on my own watching a TV show. I knew that usually I would find the scene funny and I kind of did this really dramatic fake laugh. And then cried for ages because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. At that time, I kind of knew I was not OK, but it was like I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about much.

The 2 weeks leading up to when I wanted to take my life, I was living 2 lives. I was just normal me at wok and a mum. At nigh I was crying, thinking dark thoughts, and slowly losing my mind.

The people that went through it with me, they did not notice a thing until it was almost too late. I am talking about a sequence of events, accidental events, that meant my plan was uncovered at the last minute. I am talking about 60- 90 minutes in it. If you don’t believe in fate, know this, someone was looking down on me that day.

The aftereffects of that were …. massive. I still struggle to get my head around it.

Suicide and suicidal thoughts effect man and women. No one is exempt. Last year we blew up social media with #shemakesme on the 10th of September by showing love to every female in our lives. Daughters, mothers, aunts, friends.

Many men lose their lives to suicide and have suicidal thoughts, so please don’t think this takes anything away from that. This is just my part in suicide awareness, this is what I need to do.


This is a call to ACTION!!!!

I need YOU to help me do something very special on the 10th of September. Yes you!

So, here is what I am asking. On the 10th of September I want each and every one of us to post on our social media channels: “#Shemakesme… [insert how you feel here, for example, strong, safe, worried, proud].” about your relationship with a female that you want to show some love for!

Someone you know, or someone who gives you inspiration. Name them or keep them anonymized.

here is an example #Shemakesme feel proud daily, my daughter You can post more than once and about more than just one person…. I will be showing my respect for at least 10 women.

Share this blog on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn…. email someone!!! You can post a video, whatever it takes to make as many females know that on the 10th of September…we see them…we know them…and we love them. Reach out to our females who have been affected by suicide because of a loved one. Let’s make them know that we are all here and someone is listening.

More importunately, if we all take part, who knows…. our words may just make the difference

So, who wants to be part of something EPIC? (If you answered no, then just unfriend/follow me now fam). Please share this blog EVERYWHERE. Let’s make this as big as we can.

If you are affected by suicide in any way, please reach out and speak to someone. Below are some Links to some websites that can provide help and advice.

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